Expectations

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." John 16: 20-24

When the nurse walked into my little exam room, I couldn't believe when she told me that the test was positive. I couldn't believe that I was really pregnant. I was a believer. "I only sinned a little compared to some of my friends", I thought. How could this have happened? WELL, I knew HOW it happened; I just couldn't believe it was happening to me.

Being pregnant is unseen. Why would I trust some stupid test that used urine to determine the state of pregnancy? I would choose to believe that she was just lying. The smug nurse was just trying to lord my sin over me. She was just being cruel with her eyes and smirk as she asked me if I was going to keep it or have an abortion. What? What did she say to me? Was I going to have an abortion of a baby that I didn't believe that I was pregnant with?

I walked out in shock. The test was positive. I wasn't married, and I had just heard a couple days before that my "Frog" was living with a woman. He had lied to me, and I allowed him to use me. Now, the test was positive.

"If the test is positive, then I must be pregnant even though I can't see any proof. I have to believe that I am pregnant without evidence. I didn't see the test results. I should have demanded that she show me.What am I going to do. I need a plan." All of my thoughts just swirled around my brain like tornadoes in a wild Texas thunderstorm. Then it hit me, "I love my baby. I'm pregnant, and I may pay the wage of my sin forever. I am still going to love this baby even if I do it all on my own."

I didn't have to do it all on my own. I had my savior who forgave my sins even though I did not and punished myself for years, and I had a circle of amazing friends. God always seems to send in the reinforcements for me at my lowest moments. He loves me like that. He loves you like that.

About the third month of my pregnancy, I was deep into the deception of having to conceal my state during student teaching when I felt the first little flutter of a movement. I thought maybe I had eaten something wrong, but it was a flutter. That flutter was the first real evidence that I wasn't just getting fat. Sometimes, in my moments of grief, I would just focus all of my energy and love on that flutter.

Regardless of the circumstance, I was going to be the mom that I didn't have. I wasn't going to let my stupidity ruin my child's life. I knew that the absence of a father would be enough of a crutch for her; I didn't want her mom not finishing school to be another. I became very determined.

There were so many nights that I laid in bed feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for my unborn child, and feeling so earthly alone. I cried myself to sleep so many times. There were so many occasions that I knew my savior just held me and rocked with me as I wept at my circumstances. You see, I had broken a personal promise to not have sex before marriage. I had broken a personal promise to never have a child have to go through a broken home like I did. I was going to fix this.

Sonogram evidence. Right in front of me on the screen was this bizarre, peanut shaped thing growing in my belly. It moved on the screen and I felt it. I knew that I was for sure pregnant. I knew that I was really going to have a baby, and she needed me to get myself straight. She needed me to pull it together. She needed me to get over myself, my broken heart, my sin, my grief, and my remorse. She needed me to accept forgiveness.

I asked Jesus for a do over and sought His will again. Two of my best friends became my birth partners, and they helped through the whole pregnancy until I went to live with my dad for the last trimester. I graduated with my bachelors in December of '94. I was determined to make it. My baby girl was due in April.  

As April approached, I prepared. My family threw me a shower, regardless of my circumstances and shame, which meant so much to me. I began collecting clothes, furniture, bottles, and all of those special little baby items that help you feel prepared. I started to have those little preparation pains about a month before she was due. I knew that she was ready to come, and I was so excited to meet her. I was picking out names for her and so was her dad. He was, at the least, willing to be a part of Kel's life. (He loved her; he just didn't love me. Such is life in your own will.)

When induction day came, I was over the moon with joy. I was packed. I was organized and prepared. Everything was ready, and everything was in its place because I knew that my baby was coming. I was ready. After hours of labor and horrible pushing, I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. I never wanted to put her down. I poured all the love I could into her. I never let her cry, and I sometimes struggle with not wanting her to ever cry today. I love her with everything that I have to give. She is a blessing that came out of the ashes of a broken, sin filled choice. I chose life, and I have been blessed. There has been a wage to my sin, but the joy so overshadows it.

Today, I am expecting God's promise (not a baby; I'm single). He gave me a promise, and I couldn't see any evidence at first. But, as time went on, the flutters started. The flutters were exciting, but now I am getting full blown promise kicks. So, I am preparing for the delivery of my promise. I am making plans and putting everything together for the fruition of God's impending delivery of my very own promise. I am so excited. I am joyful, and I am scared. It really is an amazing expectation when you look at the ashes of the grief and misery of 2011. When you look at my sin filled willfulness and perpetual battle with myself, you have to question God's grace. I don't deserve it, but I sure am willing to accept it.

All I can say, regardless of the circumstances that I am coming out of, regardless of the circumstances that my promise came out of, I have a savior who loves me, forgives me, and promises me a hope and a future. I have a savior who says that if I but ask in His name that I will receive. I am asking for the delivery of God's promise in the fullness that it was given to me in the name of Jesus. I have my joy back because my savior is faithful. My savior has never let me down. He is the same always, and He died for me. He died equally for you. He has a gift for you, too. Claim it.

Life is wonderful in His Trenches. I am claiming my full promise. I am claiming immediate answer and delivery to my impending delivery! In Jesus Name, Amen. I give Him my broken, ashy life, and He gives me a promise that I want so bad. I want it so bad that I can feel it, see it, taste it...

I accept His grace, I accept His gifts, and I accept that I am just a broken sinner who has been blessed. Thank you, Jesus. I won't turn you down this time; I love you too much to turn away from your gifts. I love you too much to say that dying on the cross was for nothing because I'm not accepting. No way!! I accept, I accept, I accept!