Thursday, December 27, 2012

Hallmark Endings?

Being mocked by a movie may seem a little excessive but sometimes God has to drive a point home with me to such an extent to make sure that I do not forget the lesson that I am supposed to learn. In so much as God's plans are to prosper us and not to harm us, Satan is here to kill, steal, and destroy. In my hope for a Hallmark ending, Satan laid me bare.

If you have the Hallmark channel, then you have to know what I am referencing. Every Hallmark movie has that amazing redemptive, love fulfilled ending that every little girl dreams of her entire life.

The enemy knows my weaknesses and the desires of my heart. His aim is to separate me from God and make sure that I do not fulfill my calling. He almost got me again. It shames me to say it, but he had me at hello. He knew what I wanted and disguised it so prettily in my emotions that I bought it.

I want the Hallmark ending. I thought that the ending of my book was guaranteed a Hallmark ending. Hallmark gives us restoration stories. Would God have me publish a book where I am still broken, alone, and down in the deep dark hole of the trenches fighting for Him by myself? Is that the end of this part of my story?

I have been fighting writing it. Who wants to read that things may not change and get better before they get worse? Wait, I am reminded that things are so much better than just one year ago today. I do not get any calls from creditors anymore. I sold one house and am confident that I will sell the one I am living in so that I can be financially free. That is better.

I am a principal again. Though politics cut me so deeply because I am human and have feelings, it is a blessing to work with all of those sweet babies every day. It is a blessing to work beside women and men who all love those kids and want to serve them.

I am surrounded by an amazing throng of believers. Every day my sisters and brothers in Christ send me messages of hope and remind me to keep looking at God and not at my circumstances.

My son is not living primarily with me anymore; he lives at his dad's now. I will have him the bulk of the summer, but that is little consolation. The situation still hurts me. My daughter is doing amazingly well, though. I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming. I am blessed with loving, intelligent, beautiful children. I am so thankful for them.

2 Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves.

God wants everything that comes out of me to come from Him. He wants me to be an empty vessel for Him to fill up. No man, school, family, church, or book can do what the direct message from God in His word and through His spirit can do for me though God uses them.  Every dream and hope that I have lies solely in Him. I am void of everything else.

I have let absolutely everything else just go. Yesterday, the last piece of stupidity died a horrible death at the foot of the cross when I found out that a person that I trusted and loved lied and concealed things from me. 

So, I raised the rapier and brought it all the way down on that dream, and there was not an angel stilling my hand. That's it. I am empty. No dreams, no hopes in anything of this world are left. It's just God. I'm listening, waiting, and done putting my cup out anyplace else even if I think it's from Him. He will have to hit me with a lightening bolt to get me to make the next move.

John 7: 37-38
  37 Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. 38 He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’"

I know that God doesn't want to pour His living waters into a dirty, half filled cup. Everything needed to be poured out of my cup, and Christ had to wash it clean. I wasn't empty yet, and God knows my sins. I was holding on to things and people and filling my cup elsewhere. I hate admitting that. When do we ever get to stop being a sinning human? I want to pour His living waters into others; how can I do that if I'm holding my cup out to someone who doesn't even have living water to share? 

I make myself sick. I am reminded, though, that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None are perfect, no not one. We all need a savior. He died on the cross just the same for each of us. He didn't have to die more for me, but it sure feels like I have taken so much more from Him.  I feel like I need Him more.

I'm in His trenches fighting this war of the spirit, mind, heart, and flesh. I love Him, seek Him, and want to please Him. He knows my heart. He knows the evil, love, hurt, hope, and intent. Praying for His hand and forgiveness on me today to show themselves in a mighty way. I need the comforter, and I always need grace.

Life in His trenches is not guaranteed a Hallmark ending until we get to Heaven. Some people have Hallmark on earth. I feel more like a scary Lifetime movie than Hallmark, but I know that regardless of what the enemy whispers in my ear that God's plans are to prosper me and not to harm me.  I know that God wants me to have an abundant life in Him. I just can't ever let my guard my down with the enemy lurking around every corner.

I have absolutely no idea what God wants my life to look like. I am not even going to try to imagine it or even think about it. I am going to take every thought captive and just focus on Him. I am armed with the word. No weapon formed against me will prosper. My heart, mind, flesh, and spirit are protected under God's pinions. I am basking in that peace right now.

I pray you have strength, peace, hope and joy in Christ. If you are living the Hallmark life, be thankful. Maybe I just need a Hallmark state of mind regardless of my circumstances. I'll pray about that. Be careful where you are getting your cup filled; check the true source. Some people pour out poison, some love, and others are just empty. I pray that I pour out the love of Christ. May I always love like Jesus would have me love through Him. It might make me feel vulnerable, but I am protected in Him. There is Hallmark in that. 


  1. Just wanted to make a comment about one of your comments..."No man, school, family, church, or book can do what the direct message from God in His word and through His spirit can do for me." Please know that I am in agreement, but I was moved to add that the greatest manifestations of God's will/word have been via human agency. The greatest of which is through his Son, our Lord and Savior, but there have been many others. Whether the Father has used prophets or widows, priests or barren wives, it appears that his favorite form of communication is with human words and emotions. I only add that thought because I believe it is important for your readers to know that "man, school, family, church, or book" may not be the most spectacular form of communication God uses, but they are definitely (especially the church) are the most common and no less significant than any other. God sent an Angel to me recently with an encouraging Word. His messenger was in the form of a co-worker whose message filled this empty cup.