Diamond Stud Earrings

I had Christmas expectations. We were living in a camp house while husband 1 and I were building a log cabin on some property that we had bought out in the country. I had been dropping some major hints for a couple of years that I really wanted a pair of diamond stud earrings. My expectation was a princess cut minimum 1/2 carat set in platinum. Dream big..right.

My husband was not a big gift buyer. I usually bought my own gifts and wrapped them for the opening ceremonies. However, this one particular Christmas was a little different. He was taking care of Christmas himself. I worried.

The great thing about writing letters to "Santa" was that we could illustrate exactly what we wanted and then a few dream items like a new car or trip to Ireland. My list always included diamond stud earrings. I was never specific about the details because I honestly thought that I would never receive them.

Christmas morning came, and my husband excitedly had the kids bring me my gift. I was worried. I braced myself to practice what I preach. I emphasized being thankful no matter what was opened with the kids. I didn't have to practice that with me because I usually bought my own gifts...so, I had a little control over my own gift environment. Easy to practice what you preach when you buy your own gifts.

I started to open the small gift and everyone was staring at me with expectation. They were all so excited. I opened the box and sure enough it was diamond stud earrings. I smiled and said thank you while inside I started crying. If I couldn't have exactly what I wanted, then, I didn't want anything. It would be better to have a purse or a toaster than to be disappointed in the ideal. I tried to cover my disappointment, but I am pretty transparent when you know me. I couldn't lie though I tried.

I was so disappointed. They were small and round and gold. I left the room and cried. It was just one more glaring disappointment and let down that was a metaphor for my life. It was just one more example of a very selfish, very spoiled, very self-centered little girl throwing a tantrum over something so meaningless in the scheme of life.

I should have been ecstatic that my husband had bought a gift for me all by himself that wasn't something for the house. I should have praised him for his boldness and time and effort and money. I should have jumped up and down and been thankful. I should have been thankful that we were building the home of my dreams out in the country. I should have...

But I didn't. I wasn't. I am ashamed to say that I was just so dissatisfied. I was miserable. The bottom line was that I was out of God's will and plan for my life. I was so self-absorbed, so keeping score, and so wrong that I couldn't even recognize a grand effort and gesture just for me by the man that I was married to. Why should he even try with me? Why had I given up? Why, why, why?

When you walk in your will, when you walk in rebellion, you will undoubtedly walk in defeat and misery. My health was in the toilet. I had received a diagnosis that I do not accept today. I felt fatigued all the time, and I wavered in my efforts to be involved in church. Mostly, I just loved my children and hauled them all over God's creation to do and participate in the many over the top things that they did. Which then I would be resentful that I was the one hauling them all over the place. I worked on my master's degree and focused on my career. It was a vicious losing battle with misguided focuses.

Titus 2: 4-5 "Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

I want to be that woman in Titus 2:4. I want to get it right through Christ. I made feeble attempts in marriage number 1 and thought that I had it right in marriage number 2. It obviously wasn't. I failed twice.

Titus 2: 11-15
 ¹¹ For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. ¹² It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, ¹³ while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, ¹⁴ who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
 ¹⁵ These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

I thank you, God, for grace. I thank you that you have forgiven me. I hope and pray that others forgive me for my multitude of failures. They are too great to list. I confess my selfishness, my arrogance, my vanity, and my righteousness. I judged harshly and justified my own attitude and behaviors. I humble myself before you, broken and afraid. Here is my life, take it. It's not worth much to me without you. I thank you for your son who died on the cross for me. I am broken and humbled at His feet. Thank you for reminding me of this sin today and pushing me to write about it. You are amazing! I accept your forgiveness, and I am thankful that through my stupidity others may learn. Thank you for using me. In Jesus name, Amen.

I'm called to teach through my sin, through real life, through transparency. It's not easy inHistrenches, but I am so grateful to be here in the fight for Christ. I am grateful that my ashes can produce anything for Him. I run to Him; He is the one man that I will chase with no regard for my dignity. He is the one man that will never disappoint. He laid down His life for me. What other gift do I need, and I surely deserve nothing. Yet, He keeps blessing me. I accept Your grace, I accept Your blessings, and I accept Your promises for my life.  Amen.