When we hurt, we want to blame someone, something, God, ourselves.. We hurt because we loved. When you love and that love is lost for whatever reason, you hurt. There is this emptiness in the pit of my stomach, a vacancy in my chest, and my mind taunts me with so many memories of long ago and months ago and love that has been lost.
I lost one of my best friends years ago to an accident. I miss her. Sometimes I see her pointing at me and telling me what I need to do just like she used to. I imagine her today: she would come by my house and tell me to get dressed up in my prettiest dress and heels. She would probably pick it out or bring what she thought I needed to wear. She would have the evening lined out, and I wouldn't have a choice other than having fun by Kristi's standards. I still miss her. She left a vacancy in my life.
I am not even going to go into my heartbreak. It's just there. My question: Is love ever void? Is it ever meaningless? I wonder that. Yesterday at church, the guest pastor asked if we had poured ourselves out to anyone this past year. Images immediately came to my mind. I know that I cry way too much, but I wept yesterday in church. Yes, I poured myself out in 2012. I just wonder what the point was in some cases. I hurt, and what is the point in that? I don't want to love if it means that I am going to hurt.
Being numb seems to be so much easier than loving. When you are cold and numb, people can't hurt you. When you don't care, they can't disappoint you. I would like to think that I wish God had made me uncaring, apathetic, and unloving, but that is a lie. I want to love, and I want that love to greatly bless others. I just want the kind of love that I want back. Numb, afraid people miss out on the greatest gift.
I Corinthians 13
8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
If God calls me to love a 1,000 friends, 10,000 children, or anyone else, does it mean that I will get that love in return? No. We love because He first loved us. We love with the hope that God will fill us and pour His love out through us. There is no guaranteed reward, come back, or fulfillment other than the fulfillment of the gift of love. Love never fails and it perseveres. It always has a purpose even if we don't see it.
The reward for loving like Jesus loves may not come to us until heaven. When I hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." then I will know that my love served His purpose. My purposes are selfish/self-seeking; His purposes are pure. He always has a purpose though even if I cannot see it at all, and His purpose may not have any benefit for me on this earth.
I am reminded that I have the love of my children, family, friends, and many students. I am reminded that I live an abundant life, and I am reminded that God will not abandon His servant. Yes, Lord.
Psalms 91:4 He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
God is faithful. I am covered under His pinions. Though I may not have the life that I dreamed about as a littler girl, I fully have the life that I have. I own my choices. I accept that others have free will even though I think their choices stink. I accept that this world is dark and that I am victorious in Christ my King. He is my husband, and He will never forsake me for another. He loves me and would never harm me or my children. He would never cast stones at me.
The trenches can be lonely, but I am full of the love of Christ. I rest under His pinions accepting the cease fire's peace. I pray my family and friends are protected and safe on this New Year's Eve. God be with you for an amazingly blessed 2013. I am believing that major change is coming. I am hopeful, and I am full of love to share. May we all love in 2013 the way Jesus would have us love through Him: unconditionally, humbly, without self-seeking, and without limitations and fear. Amen.
I lost one of my best friends years ago to an accident. I miss her. Sometimes I see her pointing at me and telling me what I need to do just like she used to. I imagine her today: she would come by my house and tell me to get dressed up in my prettiest dress and heels. She would probably pick it out or bring what she thought I needed to wear. She would have the evening lined out, and I wouldn't have a choice other than having fun by Kristi's standards. I still miss her. She left a vacancy in my life.
I am not even going to go into my heartbreak. It's just there. My question: Is love ever void? Is it ever meaningless? I wonder that. Yesterday at church, the guest pastor asked if we had poured ourselves out to anyone this past year. Images immediately came to my mind. I know that I cry way too much, but I wept yesterday in church. Yes, I poured myself out in 2012. I just wonder what the point was in some cases. I hurt, and what is the point in that? I don't want to love if it means that I am going to hurt.
Being numb seems to be so much easier than loving. When you are cold and numb, people can't hurt you. When you don't care, they can't disappoint you. I would like to think that I wish God had made me uncaring, apathetic, and unloving, but that is a lie. I want to love, and I want that love to greatly bless others. I just want the kind of love that I want back. Numb, afraid people miss out on the greatest gift.
I Corinthians 13
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
If God calls me to love a 1,000 friends, 10,000 children, or anyone else, does it mean that I will get that love in return? No. We love because He first loved us. We love with the hope that God will fill us and pour His love out through us. There is no guaranteed reward, come back, or fulfillment other than the fulfillment of the gift of love. Love never fails and it perseveres. It always has a purpose even if we don't see it.
The reward for loving like Jesus loves may not come to us until heaven. When I hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." then I will know that my love served His purpose. My purposes are selfish/self-seeking; His purposes are pure. He always has a purpose though even if I cannot see it at all, and His purpose may not have any benefit for me on this earth.
I am reminded that I have the love of my children, family, friends, and many students. I am reminded that I live an abundant life, and I am reminded that God will not abandon His servant. Yes, Lord.
Psalms 91:4 He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
God is faithful. I am covered under His pinions. Though I may not have the life that I dreamed about as a littler girl, I fully have the life that I have. I own my choices. I accept that others have free will even though I think their choices stink. I accept that this world is dark and that I am victorious in Christ my King. He is my husband, and He will never forsake me for another. He loves me and would never harm me or my children. He would never cast stones at me.
The trenches can be lonely, but I am full of the love of Christ. I rest under His pinions accepting the cease fire's peace. I pray my family and friends are protected and safe on this New Year's Eve. God be with you for an amazingly blessed 2013. I am believing that major change is coming. I am hopeful, and I am full of love to share. May we all love in 2013 the way Jesus would have us love through Him: unconditionally, humbly, without self-seeking, and without limitations and fear. Amen.
May God bless the lady who wrote this because this describes the way our Husband Jesus Christ feels about His bride.
ReplyDeleteAll through scripture we find this same scenario and God always sends a prophet or His apostles to address His bride and bring her back but in the end it's only a remnant that return to Him and I believe this is a lesson that is taught to all who truly seek His face; to love and not have it returned. The prophet Hosea had to endure this lesson in a way I'm grateful I have not had to experience and while this lesson hurts it's a good hurt in the end.
My prayer for the author of this is that in the end you be found to have sought Him in all truth, that you will have endured to the end and find that love returned.
Michelle, I am unable to e-mail you using your link. Would you e-mail me at pastorpeavey@yahoo.com? Thank you. Sincerely, James
ReplyDeleteYou are so beautiful, full of love that has endured so much of your life, that probably for the most part, you don't even know how your love has touched and encouraged people you didn't know needed that little friendly spark at a certain time in their life.
ReplyDeleteI know from practical experience that you must continue to love, put those feeling out there that may get stepped on, but if they aren't there, it won't reach the ones that God has put in your path for you to touch.
We walk the trenches to protect us from the stones and arrows being shot at us, and so we can find another wounded soldier, help heal their wounds and carry them if necessary to an aid station.
My darling daughter, please keep your chin up and your arms open and hands raised to Jesus so he can help you get from one trial and tribulation to another.
Love, Dad
I love my dad. Michelle
ReplyDeleteSometimes the trials and tribulations God has chosen for us, whether it is love or not, have been there to give us the strength we need in the future. I know I believe in you and your ability to put your heart and soul into a place that was in need for a strong person like yourself. Not being directly involved means I can only see what has been blatantly put in front of my eyes. What I have witnessed has been nothing but greatness from a person who puts everything into a challenge expecting greatness in return. The greatness received may not be as high as your standards, but blind faith is not given it is earned.
ReplyDeleteThese past couple of years my family and I have been deeply hurt and I had to put my trust more than ever in God. It has not been easy, but I have had to remind myself that he has always been there with me and I am not alone. I also thought about my past and realized another trying time in my life obviously was there to help me get through my current strife. I knew then God was there. I didn’t like it, but I persevered.
It disappointed me when I read your previous post, “So, I raised the rapier ….hit me with a lightening bolt to get me to make the next move.” Is that what God has intended for you to do to quit and wait for an engraved lightening bolt? Your friend has been around you since the day she passed, just as God has been. It sounds as if you are numb, not feeling the repercussions of your own actions. Shouldn’t it be I gave all my love, put all my trust into something I truly believe in. Not, well I tried and I got hurt so I am not going to try or love here again unless God gives me a BIG sign.