Be Still?

There are many things in this life that I am not good at. I am a horrible bowler. I can't draw, play an instrument, speak much of a foreign language, do crafts, sell anything, grow much of anything, can, pickle, or many other things that are many other people's talents and important to the prosperity of this world. I do not care to master any of these things either...though my mother has tried so hard on some of the items.
 
The one thing that I have struggled with all my life but desperately want to master is being still and patient. 

Psalms 4: 3-5
3But know that the Lord has set apart the godly man for Himself;
The Lord hears when I call to Him.

⁴ Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
⁵ Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And trust in the Lord.

Psalms 46:10
¹⁰ “Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I have had to stop myself yesterday and today about a 1000 times from striving, pushing, barreling ahead, or whatever you want to call it.

Why do I strive? Maybe it is my passion. When I am so passionate about something, I go to the wall about it. I am all in. I just can't do something half-way, especially not when I am passionate about it. I eat, sleep and breathe it. What I do is drive the people that I love and want to help the most CRAZY.

Where is the balance of me striving (working hard, praying hard, believing, having faith, speaking something into being) and me allowing God to be God without Michelle's involvement or influence. I give a situation to God, then I want to know what He wants me to do to be in His will right away. When He says wait, I go into panic mode.

I question my faith. I think, "God, did I hear you wrong? If we are all in on this, then shouldn't we be doing something? Shouldn't I be writing that last chapter? Shouldn't I be flying somewhere, teaching something, helping a teacher, working with a child, loving someone, helping someone I love...why am I here if I have to be still? What is the point in being still? I don't want to wait. I want what I want right now to happen in my time period."

In all honesty, when I am striving, I am not trusting God to be God. I want whatever God has shown me so badly that I try to take over the driver's seat. What I should be doing is sitting in my seat on the bus waiting for God to tell me when to do what He wants me to do without being anxious.

God is God. He will be exalted among the nations, not Michelle. When I take over the driver's seat, He has to laugh. With my driving record, who would want to get on the bus?

It's not easy trusting God when you want to control the outcomes. He knows my stinky heart loves Him and wants to serve Him. I am thankful that He forgives me even though I drive some of His people CRAZY with my striving. I pray His people forgive me, too.

I want to be led to still waters. I want peace, joy, hope, humility, grace, love... I want all that right now. 

I have never been good at long car rides. I usually sleep my way through them, but I love the adventure of a road trip. I like driving through interesting new places to get somewhere that I want to be. I enjoy the people and food along the way, and I have always loved beautiful scenery. It's a conundrum: butt in a seat for 18 hrs vs. the adventure.

Likewise, I want to be in God's will. I love the fruits of His bounty. I want to be in His presence and feel His forgiveness and grace. I just don't know how to be still on the journey enjoying each piece of scenery as I travel through that moment in time. It's a conundrum: be in God's will with Him in control of the timing or take off on my own trying to control the timing and making people crazy. 

I'm praying for God's revelation and wisdom regarding this issue. I don't want to mess things up. I don't want to drive people crazy. I don't want to lose God's promises to me by being impatient. I don't want to be out of God's will. I want the fullness of God's promises and love. I just want it right now.

Praying for a breakthrough.

Rest. Be still. Know that God is God. Trust Him. I am going to get in my bed and meditate upon the Lord. I will be still. If I text or call any of you, don't answer...:)